to abandoned thoughts, to abandoned dreams, to abandoned ideas, to abandoned pleasures, and to abandoned philosophies. There are some things worth leaving abandoned though and to know the difference... that is wisdom not gained effortlessly or easily.

I recently returned to editing. I was becoming hugely frustrated with it.. so ya, I hit it and quit it. I'm facing a learning curb with it and it's bugging the hell out of me. To see the flaws and not know how to approach them, it's maddening! I will prevail! It was never something I intended to get into, but it was something I didn't fair too badly with, and with some of what I've been handed, I felt I needed to step up to the plate. Being the perfectionist that I am, obsessing over the ridiculous, and being a control freak of myself (I don't have to be in control of others, but it's very important I be very in control of me), there is a certain freedom in being able to do this.

Modeling... I've been hearing its call for some time. I kept ignoring it. Meanwhile all these visions float through my head as I pace the floor. I literally see images in my head of possible future projects. I'm a dreamer. Modeling, something I once took so much pleasure in and for various reasons I abandoned it. I did however go back on my word twice. Once for a friend of a friend and then another time for a paid assignment... that was douche of me and I apologize to all the people I denied, including friends... especially friends. It wasn't very fair of me.

I did indeed need a break, but I'm ready to return. It is time. Guess I never really could stay away. I will launch my full-fledged assault this fall and will be accepting bookings, etc. Taking no prisoners. haha. I feel renewed and I have so much to say. My images have generally told a story, been full of emotion and expression, or at least been great eye candy. This time though, I got something to say and I'm not holding back any more. My focus will be to work more with conceptualizing my ideas and emotions and to work heavily with symbolism. The world is a stage... I want to touch people. I want to provoke emotions. I want to inspire and encourage. I want to offer hope. To reach out. I want to speak without even saying a word!

Many have expressed interest in getting me in front of their camera. Some of getting me in front of it yet again. I found this very encouraging. You know what really sold me though? A girl that told me her and her friends would look at my pictures and profile and gauge whether or not Renee has done this or that and how many people I have shot with as to what they may want to do. She liked one of my pictures so much, she wanted to copy it. They apologized for ripping me off. I didn't feel that way at all. I felt very touched, honored, and glad I could make that much of an impression on anyone. They say imitation is the highest form of flattery, and yes I was extremely flattered. I knew some people may take some notice to what I was up to, but I felt most of what I did went unnoticed. To get such feedback though... wow... I was sold.

I've been a coward in many areas. I've known it. It's not news to me, but it hasn't been until now that I was actually willing to do something about it. I've been facing many demons as of late. Visiting mistakes of past and present, working through them. Rummaging through all the baggage my tired arms are sick of carrying. It was today that I decided to face myself and the fact that I'm not often comfortable in my own skin. To face yet another fear and discomfort. I approached a friend with an idea that I've been playing with for some time. Not a new idea, but again, one of those things I just never could commit to. I would entertain the idea, but never act on it. Now I'm acting on it. I think it will really do me some good and I look forward to sharing those results with everyone. Yes, it will render a tangible item. But what I gain will not be tangible.

As for dreams... I once had a dream of being an actress. This is what lead me to modeling. My interest was never much in modeling. I originally saw modeling as a rather dull sport and truly a waste of a brain, that lacked the depth I wished to pursue. It wasn't until the digital world came upon us and I found myself wrapped up in being anyone but myself and concocting these ideas and making up characters that I found a home in it. One thing at a time, but I should look into trying out the original inspiration behind the modeling. I think it would be an injustice to myself not to.

Things are just starting to get interesting....



xoxoxoxoxo,

Renee