to abandoned thoughts, to abandoned dreams, to abandoned ideas, to abandoned pleasures, and to abandoned philosophies. There are some things worth leaving abandoned though and to know the difference... that is wisdom not gained effortlessly or easily.

I recently returned to editing. I was becoming hugely frustrated with it.. so ya, I hit it and quit it. I'm facing a learning curb with it and it's bugging the hell out of me. To see the flaws and not know how to approach them, it's maddening! I will prevail! It was never something I intended to get into, but it was something I didn't fair too badly with, and with some of what I've been handed, I felt I needed to step up to the plate. Being the perfectionist that I am, obsessing over the ridiculous, and being a control freak of myself (I don't have to be in control of others, but it's very important I be very in control of me), there is a certain freedom in being able to do this.

Modeling... I've been hearing its call for some time. I kept ignoring it. Meanwhile all these visions float through my head as I pace the floor. I literally see images in my head of possible future projects. I'm a dreamer. Modeling, something I once took so much pleasure in and for various reasons I abandoned it. I did however go back on my word twice. Once for a friend of a friend and then another time for a paid assignment... that was douche of me and I apologize to all the people I denied, including friends... especially friends. It wasn't very fair of me.

I did indeed need a break, but I'm ready to return. It is time. Guess I never really could stay away. I will launch my full-fledged assault this fall and will be accepting bookings, etc. Taking no prisoners. haha. I feel renewed and I have so much to say. My images have generally told a story, been full of emotion and expression, or at least been great eye candy. This time though, I got something to say and I'm not holding back any more. My focus will be to work more with conceptualizing my ideas and emotions and to work heavily with symbolism. The world is a stage... I want to touch people. I want to provoke emotions. I want to inspire and encourage. I want to offer hope. To reach out. I want to speak without even saying a word!

Many have expressed interest in getting me in front of their camera. Some of getting me in front of it yet again. I found this very encouraging. You know what really sold me though? A girl that told me her and her friends would look at my pictures and profile and gauge whether or not Renee has done this or that and how many people I have shot with as to what they may want to do. She liked one of my pictures so much, she wanted to copy it. They apologized for ripping me off. I didn't feel that way at all. I felt very touched, honored, and glad I could make that much of an impression on anyone. They say imitation is the highest form of flattery, and yes I was extremely flattered. I knew some people may take some notice to what I was up to, but I felt most of what I did went unnoticed. To get such feedback though... wow... I was sold.

I've been a coward in many areas. I've known it. It's not news to me, but it hasn't been until now that I was actually willing to do something about it. I've been facing many demons as of late. Visiting mistakes of past and present, working through them. Rummaging through all the baggage my tired arms are sick of carrying. It was today that I decided to face myself and the fact that I'm not often comfortable in my own skin. To face yet another fear and discomfort. I approached a friend with an idea that I've been playing with for some time. Not a new idea, but again, one of those things I just never could commit to. I would entertain the idea, but never act on it. Now I'm acting on it. I think it will really do me some good and I look forward to sharing those results with everyone. Yes, it will render a tangible item. But what I gain will not be tangible.

As for dreams... I once had a dream of being an actress. This is what lead me to modeling. My interest was never much in modeling. I originally saw modeling as a rather dull sport and truly a waste of a brain, that lacked the depth I wished to pursue. It wasn't until the digital world came upon us and I found myself wrapped up in being anyone but myself and concocting these ideas and making up characters that I found a home in it. One thing at a time, but I should look into trying out the original inspiration behind the modeling. I think it would be an injustice to myself not to.

Things are just starting to get interesting....



xoxoxoxoxo,

Renee

Well, it appears as though I have lots of catching up to do. I seem to have fallen behind and fallen down on the job in regards to so many things. I still have over a 150 deviations to look through from all my friends here. So be expecting me soon. I'll be making my rounds. I haven't forgotten about anyone.

It took me some time, but I had finally located the cd I was looking for. I will posting new stuff as well.


Renee

Well, I figured I should probably let everyone know how I did. As some of you remember I was entered into the Business Woman and Hosiery contest on R&R Fashions Omp page. Vote-wise in the poll... I slaughtered the competition... and that was kind of cool. There was a problem at first with people voting for Renee, when I was listed as Renee J. I like going by just Renee, but when it's already taken I go by Renee J. So after the polls were reset I did okay in round one. One girl seemed to be stomping my ass, but I turned around and returned the favor in the second poll. All and all, I did great with the polls. I got more votes than I expected, BUT to make it not so much a popularity contest there were judges and the judges votes could be weighty.

So to make a long story short, I made second place. Yaaa, that's right, I'm a loser baby. hehe. Or like I said at my yahoo group when I announced the results, "you win some, you lose some, but when you're me you just lose". lol. I was taking a few stabs at myself, but all in good humor. I felt bad to announce second place. I know a lot of people had high hopes for me placing first and to say I made anything other than 1st, made me feel like I disappointed people. Besides, who wants to be the bringer of anything less than fabulous news?

There's yet one more twist in the story though.... The man who put on the contest told me that a "fan" of mine from my yahoo group (added 20 dollars) and a few other fans wanted to add to my winnings (hosiery items, etc). I was really surprised, and didn't quite believe. I went as far as to thank the guy holding the contest for the extras when he wasn't too quick to elaborate on names, etc and pointed the finger at him. I figured he just didn't want to tell me that he was my fan(s). But, he wrote back and said it wasn't he looking to contribute, although he might add a gift of his own. So, after he said that I was really shocked and very touched. Part of me felt bad that someone felt bad for me not winning 1st place and it made me feel like more doink than I am.... but another part of me felt really happy and touched that someone even cared that much to even think of something like that and then to follow through with it.

Well, I'm still unsure as to who they are exactly, or even if my first suspicion was right and it's only one person, either way... whoever you are, thank you!!!!! I won't be forgetting the kindness for a long time.


Renee

PS: Contest results and pictures can be viewed here: [link]

UPDATE!!!! For any of you who voted for me here: [link] I need you to re-vote. Poll was screwed up and the other Renee (not me) was getting my votes.

UPDATE!!!! For any of you who voted when I first posted this journal at this site : [link] I need you to re-vote. Poll was screwed up and the other Renee (not me) was getting my votes. Vote for Renee J omp model #118443 on line 31. The poll was all twacked and broken into three parts, so a lot of people voted for the other Renee. Remember, I'm the second Renee listed and listed as Renee J. Sorry to have to ask this of you. Remember, there is no sign up, you just fill the little circle next to my name and hit vote... and voila, done! Again, sorry to have to ask again. BUT Thank you!!!!!!


On this site: [link] I am in the business woman and hosiery contest. Make sure to vote for me! There's two Renees' I'm ReneeJ #31. The top 3 contestants will get prizes, top prize is 75 dollars and 85 dollars worth of hosiery. ANYONE CAN VOTE!!!! NO SIGNUP. Thank you!!!!!

The second contest I'm in is the Calendar Doll contest on: [link] and by voting (free) you also are entered to win a 30,000 dollar custom bike. I think it's cool to see a contest where both the contestants and voters can win something.

THANK YOU ALL FOR THE SUPPORT!!!!!

xoxoxxo!

Renee (Renee J) aka botsybaby

Check that out!!!! Wooo hooo!!!

Anyway, just noticed I broke 10,000 here on DA. Too cool!!! It's nice to know I've had that many views, kind of heart warming.... but I got to say, this wouldn't have happened without you guys!!!! Thank you to all my friends here on DA!!! You guys are the best!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!


Renee